Insomnia sucks me back in
Where the hell did I go?
Without delving into too much detail, I can say that the past ten months have contained some of the most heart wrenching-stressful-amazing-contented-confusing-sad-enlightening moments of my life.
While one (familial) relationship seemed irreparably harmed at the beginning of 2008, another (romantic) relationship became something entirely different, wonderful, yet frightfully serious. The latter relationship is/was the first time I ever truly lost myself in somebody. It was nice - it's still nice - but it's hard for me to relinquish control over my emotions. As any of you who actually know me are aware, the only emotions that I'm totally comfortable displaying are anger and indignation. What a departure!
I made a bad decision to enter a professional situation that knocked the wind out of me, but it also opened new doors, so I don't totally regret it. Still, the fact that someone or something was able to shake my otherwise impregnable belief in my abilities is something I'm having a hard time letting go of...
Mortality has been weighing increasingly on my mind. This year alone my Uncle Tony, Tante Mervat and cousin Tarek passed away. The latter two died very prematurely. I turned 24 earlier this month (some pictures can be seen here, if you're interested) and for some reason that seems significantly older than 23. There's so much more I want to do in my life. Let's say I have kids at 30, but then drop dead inexplicably at 40 - how is it fair to leave those pre-teen children without a parent? I know that's not the way to look at things, but ever since Tarek died, I keep thinking about his two little girls who are without their father. Or my own mother and her sister, who were but 10 and 4 when their father passed away. People say to live for yourself, but I think the only decent thing to do is to live for those who are connected to you. That means taking care of yourself. Youth gives a false sense of invincibility, but vices come back to smack you in the face sooner than you think.
I'm all over the place, but it's 2am, so I think you'll forgive me. At least I'm writing again.
Until we meet again (hopefully soon),
J
Without delving into too much detail, I can say that the past ten months have contained some of the most heart wrenching-stressful-amazing-contented-confusing-sad-enlightening moments of my life.
While one (familial) relationship seemed irreparably harmed at the beginning of 2008, another (romantic) relationship became something entirely different, wonderful, yet frightfully serious. The latter relationship is/was the first time I ever truly lost myself in somebody. It was nice - it's still nice - but it's hard for me to relinquish control over my emotions. As any of you who actually know me are aware, the only emotions that I'm totally comfortable displaying are anger and indignation. What a departure!
I made a bad decision to enter a professional situation that knocked the wind out of me, but it also opened new doors, so I don't totally regret it. Still, the fact that someone or something was able to shake my otherwise impregnable belief in my abilities is something I'm having a hard time letting go of...
Mortality has been weighing increasingly on my mind. This year alone my Uncle Tony, Tante Mervat and cousin Tarek passed away. The latter two died very prematurely. I turned 24 earlier this month (some pictures can be seen here, if you're interested) and for some reason that seems significantly older than 23. There's so much more I want to do in my life. Let's say I have kids at 30, but then drop dead inexplicably at 40 - how is it fair to leave those pre-teen children without a parent? I know that's not the way to look at things, but ever since Tarek died, I keep thinking about his two little girls who are without their father. Or my own mother and her sister, who were but 10 and 4 when their father passed away. People say to live for yourself, but I think the only decent thing to do is to live for those who are connected to you. That means taking care of yourself. Youth gives a false sense of invincibility, but vices come back to smack you in the face sooner than you think.
I'm all over the place, but it's 2am, so I think you'll forgive me. At least I'm writing again.
Until we meet again (hopefully soon),
J
posted by The Daughter of Isis | 1:26 AM
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